Loving Can Hurt.

everyone says, loving can hurt.

you lived through it. it hurt. you gave up. i know it just wasn't love. i told you to stop crying over the same boy over and over. you said, you aren't crying over the same boy. you're crying over how life did not turn out your way. that you want a nice relationship but you're in love with an undeserving person. you want lots of money but don't know what your calling in life is. that you want to go out with friends everyday to drown your pain and that's not acceptable at home. i said then go get yourself a job, any job. & you said, "who bhi toh nahi mil rahi".

i believe you. mujhay bhi nahi mil rahi. its been a year and still no word. i don't know if its racism or sexism. cuz i fit the bill for both. I don't have many friends either. & you said, but you have a husband who loves you at the end of the day. i do. i can't deny it. but did you not see that i hurt too? i was in love with an undeserving guy as well. I too did not know what to do with my life. I too did not have a job for over 6 months when i did not have a lover or direction in my life. you saw that i survived. i know you tried. i know you tried real hard. but why did you not keep faith? did you not know that loving can hurt?

mum & dad can't understand your need for drowning your pain by partying. but never the less, they did love you.

i couldn't stay with you forever. I chided you over crying over things. i wanted you to get strong. i said mean things. but never the less, you are/were my favourite person in this world. i do not/did not talk about anyone else as much as i talk about you. im a happy person, but i am private; but everyone who knew me, knew that i have/had a sister. do you know how it feels.. to think that I'm the only child? do you not know, that loving can hurt?

loving hurts & it hurts like being hit in the head by a truck. why? why Vinu why? you knew that loving can hurt, yet you did this to me, to us! why? did you really not know that loving does hurt!

Society! You Mother Fucker!

You asshole of a society. You mother fucking killed my sister.

It was you who asked what will you do if you don't study.. It was you who said what's a life without a life partner. It was you who said what's to live for if not for a child.. Who the fucking hell gave you the right to say what you want to say.. What the fuck are these societal norms for? Who the fuck decided the right age for study or for getting married or to have sex? You who constitute the society and swear by its norms... you mother fucking assholes.. I wish you would all die.

She was loving and kind.. She tried so hard to fit into your books.. She tried to study when you asked her to.. She tried to find herself a boy when you asked her to.. & then they broke up.. & then she saw herself from your eyes.. the eyes that said, "you're 26 now, its high time you get married.. its time for you to think about your life" & so she did, she thought about her life.. she thought that she is 26.. doesn't have a nice stable job.. doesn't have a boy friend.. will she need to marry someone without love? & then what, will she have to bear his child? & just drag the loveless relationship cuz that's what the society demands... you mother fuckers, you made her think that her life wasn't worth while.. you mother fucking assholes.. you fucking killed her... you gave her pain.

Yes, it was you, you neighbourly aunt who said its time for you to get married.

Yes, it was you, you ex-boyfriend who promised her that you will always be by her side.

Yes, it was you, you uncle who declared that you set up son's 10th business up one last time.

Yes, it was you, you friend who told her that her parents aren't by her side.

You all moved on with your life.. you're all doing just fine.. What about my dad? He had to see his 26 year old daughter go right in front of his eyes.. What about my mum? She had to see a part of her die.. What about me? I did not even get to see her alive one last time.. You all moved on.. Because of you all, she went away & left the three of us behind.. How do we move on? They say suicide doesn't end the pain, it just passes it on to another.. You mother fucking society, you gave her so much pain which is too much even to be suffered by mum, dad & I.. While she handled it all by herself, its enough for the three of us to die.. Society.. you mother fucker.. I wish you would all die!

Rewind?

What's the point of letting go?

And more importantly how do I? You were not a lover who did me wrong.. Just about how does the world expect me to get over this? Over you!

I did not give you birth. You know it. I know it. The world knows you. But I sure as hell brought you into this world. Did you know you were my request, rather demand! I asked for you. I begged for you. I wanted you, so bad. And then, you came.

Then, we grew up. I may not have been the best at things. But I did try my best to protect you. To be there for you. To make you strong. But, you were always this fragile little baby that I always felt the need to take care of. So I did, in my own way. I think I did it a little too much and ensured nothing bad comes your way.

Then, I got married. I moved away. I know that broke your shell. But did you not know that the miles couldn't really separate us? Did you not know all you had to say was "Di, please come home?" I would have. I promise you. Why didn't you call? Why did you avoid my calls? Did you not know you were mine for keeps? You were mine for keeps. Everything else could change. You were supposed to be the eternal content till my last freaking breath, Yes, I am selfish. Yes, I believe you were supposed to be there till I die. You promised you'll spoil my kids. Why did you go away without keeping your promises? Do you not love me? Do you know how much it hurts?

Yes, I know you were hurting. But it was a phase. It would have passed. Why did you do this? You gave me/mum-dad eternal pain. How do I not think about it? You were never supposed to not be there. How do I let go? You can't let go of the air you breathe, the water that you need. Did you not know I need you? I did yesterday. I do today. And I sure as hell will tomorrow. Do you not love me at all? You were supposed to love me unconditionally. Yes, you could hurt me from time to time. But this, this is unacceptable. Can you somehow be kind, rewind?