Pingu?

Hey.

labakada puma kuram da makalada.

you remember pingu?

how funny we guys used to be. i swear to God i thought the two of us could talk pingu. you complimented well. Vebz isn't really good at pingu. Truth be told, he sucks. haha.

how have you been? you doing well? i hope you're happy.

You know Rajjo was here. For his honeymoon. I met him twice. I did Christmas at ours this year. I mean, we did it on the 22nd. I set up a cardboard Christmas tree. Rajjo took a picture. I missed you. We used to do Christmas together at Aman's. It used to be nice. I missed you. I kept myself busy with a lot of cooking, so it was mostly fine during and after the dinner. I terribly missed you before though.

I wonder how new years will be. You remember I facetimed you last time? Even spoke to Aman and the gang. It had become a ritual. Us getting together every new year. it had become a ritual at almost all occasions. I mean Aman Appa had become our extended family. I even missed them at times. How do I not miss you?

Do you like the painting I made? I wonder if i should talk about you with people. I wear your dresses all the time. Like i wore for V's birthday and for Christmas day. Man, you have beautiful dresses. I can't believe some of them are absolutely untouched. Remember that Blue white skirt I got you for your birthday. It still has its tag on. Can't believe you never wore it; it was your choice. Sometimes, you're real funny. and crazy.

I was at Westfield yesterday. Saw some people ice skating. Ive done it once in India. I remember telling you about it. I think you told me you haven't done it as yet. I wondered if you got the opportunity in the last year. You would have enjoyed. even the falling part. it really hurts though. i hope you did try it once.

i wonder about a lot of things. you were really nice. sometimes, you were an asshole to me. but generally, you were really nice. I was an asshole to you a lot more times than one would think. but i had your back man. I'm sorry i failed you. i wish you would have spoken to me once. you remember when you called me when i was in chennai; you cried and said "di, tu wapis aa ja." remember that? i wish you had done that 1 more time. i wish you would have just said it once. i really miss you bhai. and i really love you. i wonder if this pain will ever cease, or at least get bearable. I read how others cope, it seems that those who are to get okay with it, get okay soon; some get real scarred for life. I'm pretending. help me. please. i miss you. i wish i could hug you. i know you'd probably push me away, but i'd still try. i love you. i miss you.

Loving Can Hurt.

everyone says, loving can hurt.

you lived through it. it hurt. you gave up. i know it just wasn't love. i told you to stop crying over the same boy over and over. you said, you aren't crying over the same boy. you're crying over how life did not turn out your way. that you want a nice relationship but you're in love with an undeserving person. you want lots of money but don't know what your calling in life is. that you want to go out with friends everyday to drown your pain and that's not acceptable at home. i said then go get yourself a job, any job. & you said, "who bhi toh nahi mil rahi".

i believe you. mujhay bhi nahi mil rahi. its been a year and still no word. i don't know if its racism or sexism. cuz i fit the bill for both. I don't have many friends either. & you said, but you have a husband who loves you at the end of the day. i do. i can't deny it. but did you not see that i hurt too? i was in love with an undeserving guy as well. I too did not know what to do with my life. I too did not have a job for over 6 months when i did not have a lover or direction in my life. you saw that i survived. i know you tried. i know you tried real hard. but why did you not keep faith? did you not know that loving can hurt?

mum & dad can't understand your need for drowning your pain by partying. but never the less, they did love you.

i couldn't stay with you forever. I chided you over crying over things. i wanted you to get strong. i said mean things. but never the less, you are/were my favourite person in this world. i do not/did not talk about anyone else as much as i talk about you. im a happy person, but i am private; but everyone who knew me, knew that i have/had a sister. do you know how it feels.. to think that I'm the only child? do you not know, that loving can hurt?

loving hurts & it hurts like being hit in the head by a truck. why? why Vinu why? you knew that loving can hurt, yet you did this to me, to us! why? did you really not know that loving does hurt!

Society! You Mother Fucker!

You asshole of a society. You mother fucking killed my sister.

It was you who asked what will you do if you don't study.. It was you who said what's a life without a life partner. It was you who said what's to live for if not for a child.. Who the fucking hell gave you the right to say what you want to say.. What the fuck are these societal norms for? Who the fuck decided the right age for study or for getting married or to have sex? You who constitute the society and swear by its norms... you mother fucking assholes.. I wish you would all die.

She was loving and kind.. She tried so hard to fit into your books.. She tried to study when you asked her to.. She tried to find herself a boy when you asked her to.. & then they broke up.. & then she saw herself from your eyes.. the eyes that said, "you're 26 now, its high time you get married.. its time for you to think about your life" & so she did, she thought about her life.. she thought that she is 26.. doesn't have a nice stable job.. doesn't have a boy friend.. will she need to marry someone without love? & then what, will she have to bear his child? & just drag the loveless relationship cuz that's what the society demands... you mother fuckers, you made her think that her life wasn't worth while.. you mother fucking assholes.. you fucking killed her... you gave her pain.

Yes, it was you, you neighbourly aunt who said its time for you to get married.

Yes, it was you, you ex-boyfriend who promised her that you will always be by her side.

Yes, it was you, you uncle who declared that you set up son's 10th business up one last time.

Yes, it was you, you friend who told her that her parents aren't by her side.

You all moved on with your life.. you're all doing just fine.. What about my dad? He had to see his 26 year old daughter go right in front of his eyes.. What about my mum? She had to see a part of her die.. What about me? I did not even get to see her alive one last time.. You all moved on.. Because of you all, she went away & left the three of us behind.. How do we move on? They say suicide doesn't end the pain, it just passes it on to another.. You mother fucking society, you gave her so much pain which is too much even to be suffered by mum, dad & I.. While she handled it all by herself, its enough for the three of us to die.. Society.. you mother fucker.. I wish you would all die!

Rewind?

What's the point of letting go?

And more importantly how do I? You were not a lover who did me wrong.. Just about how does the world expect me to get over this? Over you!

I did not give you birth. You know it. I know it. The world knows you. But I sure as hell brought you into this world. Did you know you were my request, rather demand! I asked for you. I begged for you. I wanted you, so bad. And then, you came.

Then, we grew up. I may not have been the best at things. But I did try my best to protect you. To be there for you. To make you strong. But, you were always this fragile little baby that I always felt the need to take care of. So I did, in my own way. I think I did it a little too much and ensured nothing bad comes your way.

Then, I got married. I moved away. I know that broke your shell. But did you not know that the miles couldn't really separate us? Did you not know all you had to say was "Di, please come home?" I would have. I promise you. Why didn't you call? Why did you avoid my calls? Did you not know you were mine for keeps? You were mine for keeps. Everything else could change. You were supposed to be the eternal content till my last freaking breath, Yes, I am selfish. Yes, I believe you were supposed to be there till I die. You promised you'll spoil my kids. Why did you go away without keeping your promises? Do you not love me? Do you know how much it hurts?

Yes, I know you were hurting. But it was a phase. It would have passed. Why did you do this? You gave me/mum-dad eternal pain. How do I not think about it? You were never supposed to not be there. How do I let go? You can't let go of the air you breathe, the water that you need. Did you not know I need you? I did yesterday. I do today. And I sure as hell will tomorrow. Do you not love me at all? You were supposed to love me unconditionally. Yes, you could hurt me from time to time. But this, this is unacceptable. Can you somehow be kind, rewind?

A Part of Me...

A part of me is dead... A big part.. not a small one... the part that helped me stay strong.. the part that made me feel it will all be alright... you were that part of me.

Do you miss me? cuz I miss you terribly.. My heart aches like someone is putting a hot iron rod through it... my brain does over time... it feels like a rusted old piece of machinery that's trying to work but finds it hard to move an inch.

You're like the air to me..Vital.. I took it for granted that you will last forever, or at least until my last breath.. its hard to breathe now.

It hurts me to think that you're gone.. but it hurts me even more that you decided to go on your own. Without a word. without a touch. You're a part of me, and will always be... even though you're dead.

I Miss You.

I miss you.

I wonder how much pain you were in all the time.

I want to tell you all the things I know I cannot tell others. Mostly how I feel. You told me how you felt. Then why, why did you not tell me this time? Why this step? You hurt me. You didn't realise how much you will hurt me, but you did, like crazy.

I was supposed to be the nasty one. I was supposed to be the prick. I was supposed to be the one who causes pain and suffering.

You were always the mature one. You were always the kind one. You were meant to stay that way. You weren't supposed to hurt me. If it was so crazy, why did you not scream and cry your heart out to me? Why did't you? Did you not know that I would have helped?

I could have helped you. You know it. The world knows it. I felt it. But I never asked. I assumed you will tell when you are about to break. Why did you not say it? Now the world tells me that I could have helped. The world is right. I could have. I should have. But I did't get the opportunity. You didn't give me that opportunity. Now, I have to live with this guilt. It's killing me every day. I wish I could kill myself. I really wish. I pray on it. Cuz this pain is just too much for me to bear. But you took away that from me too. Now I have to bear your pain and mine. I was made tough, I got rough; but this is not tough, this isn't rough. This is evil, pure evil; the biggest punishment, straight from hell.

I wish you would just tell me why. If you hated me; could you not just slap me or beat the shit out of me instead. Even have all my bones broken? Given me as much physical pain that's just 1 inch from death? I would gladly choose that over this living hell.

I can't breathe. Each breath is a burden. I can't enjoy music. I can't enjoy food. My head is always abuzz & my ears always screeching. I can't sleep. I just pretend to put on a brave face. Is that what you wanted? To punish for being as ass sometimes? Most times? Does my being an ass mean I didn't love you? Fine, you did not want me to be a part of you; but did you not know you were a part of me too? How could you take away the part of me I loved the most? Why did you not tell me? I may be an asshole; but for you; I kept my ego aside when you cried. Have you ever seen me do that for anyone else? Did you really not know how much I loved you? Did that not mean anything to you? Then, why did you not let me help you? Did I not mean anything to you? To go away without letting me love you and kiss you and hug you? Fine, you didn't like hugging and kissing, but none the less; did you not care about my loving?

I miss you. I have so much to complain. I cannot even complain to God cuz you decided to get out of my life. He always took away everyone that I loved. But this time; when it's absolutely unpardonable; I do not even know if it's him or if it's you.

I miss you. So much. I hope you're in a better place. I hope you're happy. One day we shall meet again & I do not know if at all I will be civil with you at that point in time. But right now, I miss you & if you can come back soon; I would really appreciate it.

I Will... Will You?

I had to talk to you yesterday... tell you how I feel... tell you what I think.
But I did not have you. I cried my self to sleep again. Wondering if you see my pain. I was real mad at you once again. But yesterday was a different day.

Today, I slept at 3, woke up at 11. Got a good 8 hours rest, after quite some time. I thought back to the times we used to talk. the happy talk. the angry barking. the giggly gossip. sometimes we didn't speak for days and then there it was, the gush of words and exchange of what we missed out in the last few days.

but we don't talk anymore. we can't talk anymore like we used to. i secretly hope that my thoughts are telepathied to you somehow or that if i say the words out loud, the universe somehow brings them to you or maybe, just maybe if i write where you vented your thoughts, our thoughts would somehow intermingle and you would know that I want to communicate with you & that maybe if you see how badly I want to talk, somehow you will find a way to get to me too. Will you?

I have so many thoughts in my head.. so many questions still lingering.

Were you in pain when you left? If you were; you've passed it on to me and I know how unbearable it was for you. I forgive you, but tell me once that you were in pain. that anything was better than this. Did you want to end it or did you just not want to do it anymore? Why did you go away so abruptly without giving me a chance to change your mind? Why did you leave me here by myself? You were always the good samaritan and I the rebel, why did you take away my thunder - steal my rebellion?

I think about you everyday. No matter what I do. I wonder if you think that I still am selfish? Did I come to your mind even once before you left. Did you cry? Were you suffocated? I hope you were in no physical pain. Do you know that you left a hole in my heart, a hole that's growing every single day. I don't want to cause you any more pain. I hope that you're gone to a better place and are happy now. But I do want you to know, I will wait for you to come back to me. I hope you come back to me someday!