Monday, 17 October 2016

I Miss You.

I miss you.

I wonder how much pain you were in all the time.

I want to tell you all the things I know I cannot tell others. Mostly how I feel. You told me how you felt. Then why, why did you not tell me this time? Why this step? You hurt me. You didn't realise how much you will hurt me, but you did, like crazy.

I was supposed to be the nasty one. I was supposed to be the prick. I was supposed to be the one who causes pain and suffering.

You were always the mature one. You were always the kind one. You were meant to stay that way. You weren't supposed to hurt me. If it was so crazy, why did you not scream and cry your heart out to me? Why did't you? Did you not know that I would have helped?

I could have helped you. You know it. The world knows it. I felt it. But I never asked. I assumed you will tell when you are about to break. Why did you not say it? Now the world tells me that I could have helped. The world is right. I could have. I should have. But I did't get the opportunity. You didn't give me that opportunity. Now, I have to live with this guilt. It's killing me every day. I wish I could kill myself. I really wish. I pray on it. Cuz this pain is just too much for me to bear. But you took away that from me too. Now I have to bear your pain and mine. I was made tough, I got rough; but this is not tough, this isn't rough. This is evil, pure evil; the biggest punishment, straight from hell.

I wish you would just tell me why. If you hated me; could you not just slap me or beat the shit out of me instead. Even have all my bones broken? Given me as much physical pain that's just 1 inch from death? I would gladly choose that over this living hell.

I can't breathe. Each breath is a burden. I can't enjoy music. I can't enjoy food. My head is always abuzz & my ears always screeching. I can't sleep. I just pretend to put on a brave face. Is that what you wanted? To punish for being as ass sometimes? Most times? Does my being an ass mean I didn't love you? Fine, you did not want me to be a part of you; but did you not know you were a part of me too? How could you take away the part of me I loved the most? Why did you not tell me? I may be an asshole; but for you; I kept my ego aside when you cried. Have you ever seen me do that for anyone else? Did you really not know how much I loved you? Did that not mean anything to you? Then, why did you not let me help you? Did I not mean anything to you? To go away without letting me love you and kiss you and hug you? Fine, you didn't like hugging and kissing, but none the less; did you not care about my loving?

I miss you. I have so much to complain. I cannot even complain to God cuz you decided to get out of my life. He always took away everyone that I loved. But this time; when it's absolutely unpardonable; I do not even know if it's him or if it's you.

I miss you. So much. I hope you're in a better place. I hope you're happy. One day we shall meet again & I do not know if at all I will be civil with you at that point in time. But right now, I miss you & if you can come back soon; I would really appreciate it.

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