Saturday, 8 October 2016

I Wonder. . . & I Shall Wonder Forever!

There are so many things that have been said for ages... some are true.. some are blatant lies.. and some were true but now have been contorted by the ones who preceded us and have become notoriously untrue!

It's said you can never fathom the amount of pain the other is in... no matter how close you are... no matter how thick you are.. your feelings are yours and their feelings are theirs..
- I thought I knew how you felt.. sometimes I helped you with your feelings... other times I tramped on them... I wanted to make you stronger... cuz it's also said, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

It's said that you can never think like another person.. no matter how often you talk... no matter how much you discuss each others' lives..
- I thought I knew how you thought... sometimes I picked up your trail and helped you find the right path... at other times I totally told you off when I felt you were thinking in the wrong direction... I wanted to help you get decisive.. cuz it's said, give a man a fish, he eats for a day; teach a man how to fish, he eats for life!

It's said that blood is the thickest... even if you do not speak to each other for ages.. even if you scream and shout and say horrible things to one another..
- I thought you knew I loved you cuz sometimes, just sometimes, out of the blue I sent you a I love you or a thank you text... & cuz sometimes even when I dragged you by your hair and you had me beat up, I still stood inside the loo while you peed cuz you were afraid... cuz sometimes... when you called me out with affection; i tried to give you what you want... if I could!

I was hard on you... I got angry and said words too... I sometimes even hurt you on purpose... cuz I do not know the right words... it made me angry to see you weak at times; I wanted you to get stronger and face me... so you could face your fears... but no matter how hard I was on you.. you always told me everything.. you came to me for advice... I used to wonder sometimes if you are just scared of making a decision by yourself... I used to wonder what you were scared of... I used to wonder how you're feeling... & I used to wonder why you felt that way... Sometimes I asked you.. & at other times I did not... when I was scared you were hitting a wall; I manoeuvred you around the wall without letting you know.. I made plans for you in case your plans did not work out!

But what a shame.. I thought I knew you so well... I am such a supreme fool... I made plans for you... & you suddenly put all my plans to rest... Now I wonder if you know how I feel... I wonder if you even care... Cuz you just walked away from me... Without a word... You did not bother to give me a one last kiss or a one last hug.. You didn't bother to even say the one last good bye... I hadn't seen you in almost a year... I wonder how much pain you were in.. cuz I bet I deserved better!

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